I know it’s been a hot minute since I last wrote about a difficult period in my non-monogamous marriage. Sorry to have kept you hanging. It’s just…. well, it’s been a shitty, awful last few months and I didn’t have the mental space to write about it.
But here’s a bit of an update. Spoiler alert, things still aren’t going super well.
A quick recap on where I left off — My husband had met someone and was developing strong “feels” for her, and I was experiencing massive jealousy, fear and hurt. (You can read the whole story here if you want to go back in time).
Unfortunately, since then, the situation has gotten worse.
My husband is now officially in love with his new partner. He has deep feelings for her and has expressed a desire to have her be part of his life for the long term. On the surface, this desire and these feelings are still within the boundaries of the non-monogamous boundaries we had discussed and within the limits of my ability to handle my jealousy.
The problem (at least for me) is that he now wants to majorly change our non-monogamous arrangement. Oh, yeah, he is also a breath away from leaving me….
In the past, my husband and I had always agreed that we would maintain a hierarchical relationship dynamic with our partners; it was mainly motivated by the reality that we have three kids together and our lives are intertwined financially and pragmatically. We were entirely in agreement that our family life was the most important and that we would do everything to protect the bubble around our kids. We therefore always placed more importance on our relationship than others.
He doesn’t want that anymore. He wants to move towards a non-hierarchical relationship with me so that he doesn’t have to give preference to me, she can have an equal voice and he can spend equal time with her. He wants to eventually get to a place where he lives part-time with her. He also wants to tell our kids about her and be open with them about our non-monogamy.
I’ve already extensively written about why we don’t want to tell our kids about being non-monogamous, at least not yet. And I sure as heck do not want to tell them at a time when we…