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Getting Off the Relationship Escalator in a Non Monogamous Relationship
You know in Hollywood rom-com movies when they finally kiss in the last scene of the movie and you just know that they will end up married and loving each other forever and a day? Yeah… well…
The relationship escalator is a term coined by Amy Gahran, author of a book called Off the Relationship Escalator. Although Gahran’s definition has 9 steps, I’ve often seen the relationship escalator broken down into four phases. Phase 1 is the flirting phase. Phase 2 is when you start to go out and build emotional and physical intimacy and, often without any explicit discussion, when a relationship become exclusive. In phase 2, you might be deep in new relationship energy mode. Stage 3 is the transition to interdependence — families meeting, moving in together, starting to plan for the future and maybe even getting a pet together. And phase 4, the top of the escalator, is marriage, kids, and living together until death do you part. As Gahran puts it:
“The goal at the top of the Escalator is to achieve a permanently monogamous (sexually and romantically exclusive between two people), cohabitating marriage — legally sanctioned if possible. In many cases, buying a house and having kids is also part of the goal. Partners are expected to remain together at the top of the Escalator until death.”
