Imbalance in non-monogamy: He’s having fun and I’m not (at all)

Liz Sinclair
5 min readJun 28, 2023
Photo by Raphael Renter on Unsplash

I recently wrote a blog post about how our experiences with non-monogamy are not always the same. Sometimes my husband is going through a fun and exciting period while I am going through a shitty period.

The Instagram post I shared was this: “When one person is having a better experience with non-monogamy than the other, it can lead to imbalances triggering resentment, jealousy, envy and feelings of inadequacy. In my experience, this happens often. Over the ebb and flow of non-monogamous exploration, one person may be having easier, or better, or more fun experiences than the other. Right now my husband is going through a high — he’s in love, he’s happy and he’s found someone he really likes spending time with. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I broke up with a partner I’d been seeing for a while, have had a series of realllllllly bad first dates and am reallllllllllllllllly struggling with my husband’s new relationship. I am definitely going through a lot of emotions — envy, frustration, jealousy, insecurity — while he’s going through totally different emotions — happiness, joy, love, excitement. It’s been tough to balance the differences in our experiences at the moment. But we are trying to keep the communication channels open and support each other through the good and the bad times. It’s definitely not an easy phase for us, but we are trying!!”

This situation clearly resonated with a lot of people.

But, I need to be honest here. My blog post was a bit superficial (like many things on Instagram) because I didn’t have the time or space to really share the whole truth.

The truth is, I would need to add a whole lot more L’s to my “reallllllllllllllllly struggling with my husband’s new relationship” to accurately reflect what I am feeling. I’m not just struggling — I’m in a deep pit of despair.

My husband and I have felt so distant before. Yes, we’ve had bad periods before, but never to this extent.

We have essentially become distant with each other because our lives are completely different at the moment. His mind is full of happy thoughts, and I am struggling with anxiety, depression, massive insecurity, raging jealousy and, yes, envy.

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Liz Sinclair

Ordinary, middle-aged, university educated, working mother of three in a long-term loving marriage. Oh, and also non monogamous.