Is my metamour to blame for the breakdown of my non-monogamous marriage?

Liz Sinclair
4 min readOct 23, 2023
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

This question has been keeping me up at night: Is my husband’s partner, my metamour, an innocent bystander or partly responsible for the shit-show that my relationship with my husband has become?

First and foremost, let me be clear and unequivocal. I refuse to fall into the trap of believing that my husband fell under another woman’s spell or is a helpless pawn who was lured away from me. He is entirely responsible for his actions, and he acknowledges that fact.

The problem for me lies in his belief that his new partner bears no blame. He thinks the issue is solely between me and him, and his new partner is not responsible at all. For months, he has asserted that her entry into the picture coincided with his growing discontent with our relationship and his desire for change. His only concession is that she acted as a “catalyst,” expediting his awareness of what was wrong in our relationship.

He admits that his relationship with her has impacted us, but he staunchly defends her as blameless. He claims she’s done nothing wrong.

The thing is, I just don’t buy it. I hold her at least partially responsible for the upheaval in my relationship with my husband.

I admit that I can’t be certain if she has shown disrespect for our relationship or intentionally undermined it, but I do have some evidence to suggest this.

She issued an ultimatum early on, threatening to end things with my husband if he couldn’t guarantee her equal footing in our dynamic. Up until that point, my husband and I had agreed on a hierarchical non-monogamous model due to our commitment to our family. Faced with her request — arguably an ultimatum — he changed our rules without my consent, ensuring she’d be on equal footing and that he and I would consider her opinions in decision-making. While there’s more to say on this, I want to emphasize that she entered the relationship fully aware that he was married with children in a hierarchical dynamic. She asked for a change, providing a significant consequence if he didn’t go along with her request. Given his infatuation with her, it’s not surprising that he complied with her request. In my view, she had power in the situation and used it. I can’t help thinking this…

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Liz Sinclair

Ordinary, middle-aged, university educated, working mother of three in a long-term loving marriage. Oh, and also non monogamous.