Is my worst non-monogamous fear coming true?

Liz Sinclair
6 min readMay 25
Photo by Tim Trad on Unsplash

Four years ago my husband and I opened up our relationship not knowing that we were majorly, and I mean majorly, shaking things up. In those four years, we have learned an almost entirely new way to define and live out our relationship. Although I sometimes think we are hitting the cruising stage of non-monogamy, we are still learning to navigate new things. Recently, my biggest, worst fear about non-monogamy seems to be emerging…

My husband recently met someone and there is no doubt that he is falling for her. Like, the kind of falling for her that is spelled l.o.v.e.

I can tell it’s different than with all his other partners. He’s talking about her differently and making more time and space for her than with other partners. I can also sense that he has drifted a bit away from me, not engaging with me as much as usual and that his mind/heart/sexual desires drift increasingly towards her and less towards me.

In the past, my husband has kept all of his relationships at the “connected, ongoing but not deeply emotional” level. In essence, he’s been friendly, and even friends, with his partners, but has never felt a deep emotional connection with any of them. This time it is different.

We have been talking about it. Our hard lessons over the last 4 years have taught us one thing, and that is that communication is key. So I am not making this up — he is falling for her. He’s told me he is. He acknowledges it is still early days, but he is getting the “feels” for her like never with anyone else.

I have asked him why he hasn’t kept this relationship in the same friend zone as other relationships. He said that it’s because he recently made the conscious decision to seek out more emotional connections. Like me — I’ve been openly poly for a couple of years now — he realized that what he wants is more depth to the relationship with his partners.

It’s unfair of me, and I fully admit that I am being hypocritical, but when he told me this I felt unbelievably hurt. Like, up until now, being in love with me and having sexual relationships with others was enough. And now, apparently, it is not. I wonder, what changed? Why is he seeking love with other people now? What has happened between us to make him want this at this point?

Liz Sinclair

Ordinary, middle-aged, university educated, working mother of three in a long-term loving marriage. Oh, and also non monogamous.