Riding the ups and downs of non-monogamy’s roller-coaster
When you’re non-monogamous, it’s hard to get everything right. Despite best intentions, the intricate web of emotions, feelings, lust and desire among multiple people sometimes gets a bit complicated. It sometimes gets very complicated.
Recently, if you ask me, my husband has majorly screwed things up. He’s fallen in love with a new partner and it’s caused havoc in our previously (mostly) stable non-monogamous arrangement. A year ago we were happy’ish. Now, well, like I said, it’s very complicated.
(And I would like to acknowledge that accusing my husband of screwing up, doesn’t mean I have never screwed up, am completely blameless, or totally above reproach. I’ve screwed things up in the past, no denying it.)
I would like to tell you that our previous experience navigating the hard bits of non-monogamy has helped us navigate through these hard times. You’d think that the communication skills we had to learn to help us deal with hard emotions like jealousy and envy would come in handy here. Or that the trust we built in each other would lay a strong foundation for the cracks that have recently become visible in our relationship. Or that the self-work and personal growth in doing the work we had to do as individuals as we faced a myriad of situations in our non-monogamous explorations would come in handy. Unfortunately, not so much. We are once again in completely unchartered waters.
Way way way back I wrote that non-monogamy is like a ride on the wildest roller-coaster, and right now, at this moment, I am facing the most terrifying descent of the ride.
Over the last few months, I have discovered that there is one more thing I/we need to learn to navigate this roller-coaster. I am beginning to realize that one of the essential skills needed in a non-monogamous relationship, or perhaps any relationship, is accountability. The ability to recognize what we’ve done and to take responsibility for the outcome. It’s the skill of accepting that what we do has an impact and taking ownership of the results.
Neither my husband nor I are going to get any gold stars at this point for holding ourselves accountable.
We both feel blameless. We are both digging in our heels and avoiding taking responsibility for what is going on.
But what I think we both really, really, reallllllly need from each other is some accountability.
Instead of hearing him deny that his new relationship is clouding his judgement, instead of him blaming me for not meeting his needs throughout our relationship, I would need to hear from him things like:
“Yes, the current shit-show in our relationship is in large part because of my feelings for my new partner. I am swept up by this new relationship and perhaps not thinking straight and walking away from a 25-plus-year relationship with the mother of my 3 kids. I need to consider more how my relationship with her has affected my thought process and decisions over the last few months”.
“Yes, you’re right. If I were to do it again I would have told you earlier/more that I was unhappy before getting to this stage.”
“Yes, I need to work on myself more. It’s not just about us — I need to work on me and making myself happier.”
“I am sorry for having hurt you (and so so sorry for having hurt the kids) so much over the last 9 months. I pushed you too far. I wanted you to understand what I was feeling and wanted you to hear me, but in doing so I hurt you terribly and I am sorry I did.”
“I know I broke your trust in our non-monogamous arrangement. I crossed boundaries (like letting a relationship hurt our family) that I had promised I never would. I am sorry for that. I’ve hurt you where it hurts most — I have hurt the kids — and I am truly sorry for that.”
And, what I am pretty sure he’d like to hear from me is:
“It must have been hard for you to be unhappy for so long in our marriage and for me not to recognize or acknowledge it.”
“I believe you and accept that even if you only told me how unhappy you are when you felt “catalyzed” to do so (i.e., after you met this new partner), even if the delivery was imperfect, your message is truthful.”
“I am willing to consider an arrangement in which your new partner is in the picture and we can work together to figure out what this arrangement can look like.”
“I want to better understand what made you unhappy in our relationship and am committed to putting in work for us to rebuild.”
On paper, saying all of that kind of seems easy. In reality, it’s pretty fucking hard, if you’ll pardon my French, to get those words out. It’s even fucking harder to feel them when you’re feeling hurt and angry.
I know. I knowwwwww. I need to find the energy and the will to keep learning. It’s just like it was hard to learn how to deal with jealousy. I had to do a lot of work to realize that the issue wasn’t solely related to what he needed to stop doing, which was making me feel vulnerable. Rather, I had to confront my insecurities and work on managing my jealousy myself.
So I know. Right now, I need to commit to doing the work. I need to realize that the issues in our relationship are not just related to what he’s been doing since he met his new partner. I need to confront my go-to of simply blaming him and look at my role in the situation. It takes two to tango, right?
Maybe, if we can both get past the hurt and anger, if we can both stop feeling like the victims, we might be able to climb the next mountain of this roller-coaster ride. At the very least, if we end up not staying on this ride together, perhaps this work won’t go to waste. Perhaps, by working on being accountable and reflecting on our own actions, we will learn something that will help us grow and move on. At this point, I don’t know if this roller-coaster ride is going to end. But I guess I am hoping that, no matter what, I will learn something from it.
